Learn from People you Hate and Become a Better You with the Core Quadrant framework
“There is always something to learn from anyone you meet”.
Sounds nice - but easier said than done.
There are certain people that I do NOT like. For example, those who are too rigid, indecisive, irresponsible, people-pleasers, loudmouths, etc. How can I possibly learn something truly meaningful from them?
That’s what I used to think.
Until I learned about the Core Quadrant.
The theory is quite simple, it can be summed up into 4 sentences:
- You have positive core QUALITY that defines you.
- When you overdo that, it becomes a PITFALL.
- The positive opposite of your pitfall is a good CHALLENGE for you to grow.
- That challenge does have its own dark side too. Overdo that, and it becomes your ALLERGY.
Here is an example from myself:
- Two core qualities of mine are Flexibility & Curiosity. I can adapt amazingly fast to any new circumstances. I always learn and try new things.
- As I overdo them, I become Undisciplined, Fickleness. I have trouble finishing (too many!) things that I set out to do.
- My challenge is to be more Disciplined and consistently finish the projects I started.
- People with too much discipline, though, become rigid and unable to adapt to change. Gosh, it is exactly what annoys me a lot.
You can extract many nuances and useful lessons from this simple framework. For me, there are 2 huge “Aha!” insights:
Focus on doing the CHALLENGE more (instead of trying to reduce your PITFALL)
Ask people who know you well (and you trust) about the most annoying part of you - they will have no trouble coming up with an answer. It’s your pitfall. Now, it’s tempting to just say “Oh, thank you, I’ll be more aware and do less of that.” But it is extremely hard to do!
Because your pitfall is a manifestation of your core quality, it’s integral to your identity. It feels natural, you act like that on autopilot. You justify those behaviors easily. You have no problem accepting those behaviors from others, too.
How can you restrain yourself from doing a “negative” thing people complain about but subconsciously you justify them as good?
Instead, to have balance and grow as a person, it is much better to focus on doing MORE of the CHALLENGE, to embrace the good quality which is the opposite of your pitfall.
Slowly, step by step, the positive challenge will grow as an integral part of your new identity.
To find good challenges, learn from people who ANNOY you the most
Because it is in your Allergy lie the kind of growth you need. The stronger your reaction to something, the more it conflicts with your core, and the more it might hold the answer to the stickiest pitfall of you.
Remember, every pitfall is simply a quality being pushed too far.
Forcefulness? It’s determination in the extreme. Risk-Adverse? It’s Carefulness in the extreme. Indecisive? It’s Thoughtfulness in the extreme. People-Pleaser? It’s Empathetic in the extreme.
Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint the exact hidden quality behind a pitfall. But something good is always there.
I now can look at people I used to loathe with sincere curiosity. I put on the detective hat, trying to see past their behaviors, and find the good core quality from which I can set my own challenges.
I used to despise my wife as she is extremely strict about doing housework on a rigid schedule. She forces me to clearly state a deadline for when I’ll do each of the cleaning tasks. She nags me constantly when I procrastinate on the smallest thing. She accepts no excuses. Whenever there is a more important task to do on the weekend, she pushes me to do the chores on the day before.
But I’m thankful for her. Not because of blind love, but because I’m aware that she is helping me to become a better person by challenging me on one of my most natural pitfalls: indiscipline.
How about you? What are the kind of pitfalls from others that you hate most? What can you learn from that?
